Clean Up On Aisle Me Me Me...

The past couple weeks have been a mess.

My Brother. This kid is like a son to me. He wrote me a Mother's Day letter when he was like 12. He's my dude and anyone who feels otherwise can go some place else. Anyways, I feel we are really close to a resolution, but not quite there. I hate to feel positive only to get defeat, but my fingers are crossed. I sent in what he owed, and it sure sucks. Only a few days til an answer I guess.

This woman is seriously the most fabulous, most amazing grandma you could ever wish to have. I adore everything about her. 

My family... for some reason, well for a lot of dumb reasons, has been torn apart. I will always stick to my family. They are the best. I don't need this bullshit, but what has been said has really torn me apart and it has been eating at me. I have been a real mess. And my eating and wine drinking has shown. I feel like it will take a long time for me, and my family, to recover. I feel that if you disagree with someone, what they do, how they do, whatever they do, we're humans. It's what we do. To LOVE someone does not mean you worship every aspect of their life. I am at a loss as to how this all happened, but it is beyond frustrating. To the person that decided to tell us all to F off, I just feel sorry for you, and my kids for losing you in their life. Moving on.

My fitness journey... I have been working on the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, and a few different YouTube videos. One in particular that i've loved is Jillian's Yoga Meltdown level 1. It seriously has me sweating. I love the stretching, I love that i'm not dying for breath and I love the change up. I did a short 15 minute Denise Richards lower body workout the other day and her voice seriously weirded me out. But I was actually sore which I always love. I really feel like I am working, and I am trying. Now if only my body would change? I was thinking my thighs are bigger, maybe i'm gaining muscle, but I need to kick the fat burning up a notch. I feel that as much as I am "failing", i'm learning.

I was reflecting on everything i've changed over the years. Like i've said, i've never been fat I guess, but it's been a long time since i've been thin, or happy, or confident. I was always trying different diet pills and shakes. Four years ago I ate fast food ALL the time. I swear the people at Taco Bell knew my name and my order. I guess I am thankful I don't work now but if I did I would definitely be more prepared. I always ate vending machine crap and fast food. The girls would always ask me if I wanted to order out. "Oh sure!" Ugh. Glad I know better now.

Four years ago I stopped getting a big gulp whatever it is 32 oz soda EVERY morning and stopped smoking. About 2 years ago I stopped adding a shitton of sugar and creamer to my coffee and slowly made the switch to black, I really didn't eat meals or vegetables before, whatever, I didn't care. I have changed all of my bad habits, at least most of them. NowI try to eat as clean as I can (with a family of picky ass eaters and my inability to give up some crap, I fail), we eat as healthy meals as we can, I drink wine, I'm happy. If wine is my failure, well I can think of far more bad things, I have made a lot of changes in my life. I just wish my body progess would show. It's slow but steady, and it'll happen. Like everything else in life.

Change is always for the better.

We hope.

Shred progress and random updates

I've been working on the 30 day shred for 3ish weeks now. I have not done it every day as I had hoped, but 3-4 times a week and a couple walks in there as well. Some days I feel awesome and others not so much. Looking at the starting pictures I took, I sure THINK I see a difference, but I don't want to throw that out there yet. It probably has somethin to do with stress - brother, finances, kids. But I'll keep it up. Level 1 is easy peasy and level 2 is getting easier. I'm not quite ballsy enough to try 3. But ill get there.

Stress is really kicking my ass though. This nonsense with my brother is getting old. It's exhausting waiting days for answers and not getting anywhere. Our justice system is kind of bullshit. I am pro-cop and know that everything is in place for a reason. But in this case, I think it's ridiculous it's been going on. I know it'll get worked out and I need to stop losing sleep over it. That can't possibly be helpful. On to happier stuff.

This past weekend was great. The weather was perfect, almost 80. We spent almost the entire time outside. Saturday we went over to a friends house, I have known this girl since PRESCHOOL, we grew up together in Rock Springs, Wyoming and now somehow live in the same area in Washington. Random! Her sister was also in town from Idaho and all of our kids and so close in age. Their cousin also recently moved to the area and we are getting to know her as well. It was so much fun!

We are working on our garden and are so excited to have some of our own veggies again. We are toying with the idea of getting chickens, but maybe not this year. The kids had a blast finding Easter eggs and spending the day as a family. My daughter had the cutest Easter dress, EVER. My son is growing up too fast which a lot of my friends and family pointed out to me, he's losing his boyish looks. I just love these kids.

                                           

My daughter decided to cut a little of her hair this morning which was actually pretty funny. She doesn't need to know that, of course. Luckily it'll blend in and grow out. I thought letting her cut paper would be a good activity. I know it could be way worse. But still. Parenting fail!

                                                                 

Live, learn, and hide the scissors.


Emily

Day 3

Tuesday after lunch, Bryan met my daughter and I at my sons school to discuss his grades and behavior with his teacher. After that joyful discussion, my son and I went to the dentist to both get cleanings and I was having a filling overhang repaired/replaced and a consultation for my TMJ. What was supposed to be an hour and a half long appointment turned into 3 1/2 hours of dentist hell, in my opinion. I'm sure it could be worse. After having my mouth held open for 3 hours, the suction, scraping, grinding, whatever business they do in there while I drool and gag constantly, I almost lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. They finally finished up, probably fed up with my gleaking saliva in their general direction, and let us go home.

So yesterday I was sore, tired and cranky but I busted out Day 2 of the 30 Day Shred level 1. I am seriously going to push myself to do it everyday, except maybe weekends. My husband makes fun of me. When we were still living in our apartment, I couldn't find my weights, so I'd use cans of beans. I figured something was better than nothing, right? He'd peak in, pretend to do bicep curls and chant "BEANS!" Now when I insist he'll make fun of me, he tells me "oh stop, i will not" Seriously, I don't want to deal with his shit. I'm hoping we can do some type of workout together, though.

I was thinking i'll do 10 days of each level but today I went ahead and did level 2 and let me tell you, it was TOUGH. I woke up, my legs a little sore, my chest really sore, my teeth are still a little sensitive and I felt like not doing anything today, giving it a rest. I realized that would be stupid. Level one was much easier yesterday, with the exception of my raspy breathing, so I thought I could pull off level 2 and I did it. I don't want to get bored with a level doing it for too long, so I might mix it up between the 2 until I feel ready to throw in level 3. Maybe i'll get really enthusiastic and try some other videos on youtube, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. It just really feels good to be doing something again! I'm really hoping to see some results with my before and after pictures. I did take them, i'm just not gutsy enough to post them until I can see some change. I already FEEL better, but i'm sure there isn't much change, it takes time.

Wish me luck.

A realty check and random life stuff

Things have been so stressful around here I just haven't felt like sitting down and writing anything down. Putting our house back together, dealing with my son, my brother and life. I just try to keep my mind busy, drink wine and carry on! When I should be keeping my body busy.

I have to admit, I haven't really "worked out" since October. I've definitely been working on my diet more, with the exception of my love for baking. I do crunches, squats and jumping jacks, but not a "real" workout. Back in October I could do the 30 Day Shred level 2 fairly easily. I'd be sweating, but it was good. My friend inspired me to start it again, she's been having great success with it and she rocks! Today during level 1, I was so over it halfway thru. I completed it, I felt like I could do it again, but that exhaustion sucked. It was really a realty check that I can't just do what i've been doing (duh). I have had WAY too much damn stress in my life lately and maybe I am just truly exhausted, but I feel like that's just making excuses for the fact that I have just been far too lazy. So I've made a goal to try to do Jillian every morning. It may not happen every morning. I printed out a calendar, got some stickers and put it on the fridge so it'll stare me in the face. We'll see how it works.

A few weekends ago, we painted like the entire interior of our house in ONE stinking weekend. We need to touch up our entire kitchen and family room, but we kicked butt. It was a little chaotic for awhile. I didn't think we were ever going to pick a good color and our house would just be coated in samples. The family room, kitchen and hallway are gray, we have a green accent wall that's between our kitchen and family room. I was extremely iffy to do GREEN but my husband was pretty dead set on it, so I figured we'd give it a shot, we can always change it. I actually love it. My son picked BRIGHT green for his room, my daughter picked purple. Our bedroom is gray with a deep blue accent wall. I realized I haven't taken a picture of that room yet. We want to add some coral and other bright accents, our own little caribbean I guess. I'm pretty stoked.

 

This past weekend we decided to spoil our little brats kids and get a trampoline. It turned out to be a pretty good deal and I think our family will really love it. It's a lot of fun!

This afternoon we are going to meet with my sons teacher to discuss his failing grades and then to the dentist. And I am really nervous. My son is smart, but his ADHD is out of CONTROL. We are meeting with a doctor next week to discuss our options and I just hate facing this kind of stuff. I feel like a big fat failure. My brother is also having some legal stuff he's dealing with, I sometimes feel he's like a son to me, and when he has struggles in his life, it adds that much on as well. I have been hoping and praying that everything will just work out. But it keeps me up at night worrying about all of this. I just need to keep my goals in mind, help where I can and know i've done my best.

And with that, I need more coffee.

Reaching my goals and learning to be confident

Why is it so hard and it takes so long to see the improvements to make you realize its worth it? I constantly struggle with it. I just want to feel good. I didn't realize until recently how it has effected me, over all these years. I haven't been really big ever, as I've said before. But it should have clicked sooner, at least I feel it should. I was 175 nine months pregnant with my daughter and have bounced around between 150 and 135. Right now I'm at the heavier side and I keep asking myself, why? Everyday I notice it more and more. I'm way more self critical. When I stretch every morning it's there. When my husband hugs me, it's there. It's embarrassing. I don't embarrass easily. I am ashamed.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and it's not fair that my husband gets hotter with time and I look more like a busted can of biscuits. When we got married I was 150 lbs, I look at our lovely courthouse weddin pictures and it makes me kinda sad. Sometimes I wish I hadn't given up on wedding planning and had gone for the stress of a big wedding, or at least had beautiful wedding pictures done. But sadly, I had a wedding dress, and when I bought it, it was big on me. When we got married 4 years after that, it wouldn't even zip. Someday though, we will have those pictures.

I had set a goal that I wanted to FEEL good for tomorrow. LOOK better. Maybe at least remind my husband a little of the 120 lb woman he fell in love with. I haven't accomplished that. 30 pounds may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me, that's 30 pounds! I got on the scale yesterday and I've gained weight. I measured myself after not doing so for a month, and i've gained everywhere. Not sure if my little bit of exercise, coffee, green smoothie and water drinking this morning has anything to do with it. Or PMS. I don't want to make excuses as to WHY i'm bigger. I'm bigger. I feel as though i've been good about eating breakfast, HEALTHY breakfasts at that! And smaller meals throughout the day. Drinking a shitton of water.

Everywhere I turn there's something telling me that i'm doing another thing wrong. "Don't eat this, don't drink that, drinking that after 2 pm will make you grow a third ass cheek."

I know I need to get up and move my ass more often but it's hard when i'm here by myself with the kids. Even before we moved, I went walking every day and didn't see a change. I don't really know anyone to even go walking with, for that accountability and motivation. Can't afford a gym membership. When my husband gets home it's dark and I do not like going out in the dark by myself. It's scary shit out there.

I know I can't give up. I know it takes time to see change and it WILL happen. And really, I don't know why I let the scale be my bully. I don't know why I let a certain size or number bother me. I saw this article the other day about plus size models and those ladies are ROCKING IT. They have normal bodies, beautiful faces, CONFIDENCE. I want to be healthier and thinner and that's what I want. Some women want to be body builders and some want to be anorexic. But why can't I at least have confidence? But MY clothes are tight. MY shirts are tight. I can't afford a whole new wardrobe so I'm comfortable with being in this body. That's not the answer for me though anyways. I always chant Jillian Michaels in my head saying "get used to being uncomfortable." Yeah, I get that, but I don't always want to FEEL like this. It's a constant battle in my head being reasonable yet still going for it.

I do want to say though, that for all my complaints, I am so lucky to have married the perfect guy for me. I dated a lot of idiots and I scored the jackpot picking him, and for him picking ME. He puts up with a lot of my crap, experimental cooking, new crazy ideas, nagging, etc. He loves me for ME. As much as I want to be thinner and sexier, he finds me attractive, sexy, and I need to remind myself of that more often. He's an amazing Dad and husband.

I love you, Bryan! Happy anniversary! Here's to many more!

Can I Sell My Kid To the Circus?

Happy Wednesday! I'd prefer to call it Winesday, but I won't. It's kind of been a rough couple of days... I've needed to write a post for days.

My "short term goals" have been going well. I recently decided since seeing all this "operation red bikini" stuff around blogs that i'd start my own personal "operation pink corset" goal. But that's another story. I drink enough water to pee every half hour. Not snacking as much. Counting calories. Eating breakfast every day. Grapefruit last week, this week i've been experimenting with baby poop green smoothies. Spinach, apple, carrots, banana, celery, strawberries. Yesterday I added in some greek yogurt and a wee bit of peanut butter. It's been fun. I feel better when I eat breakfast. I wish the scale reflected this. That bitch doesn't like me.

We had these little babies pop up in our front yard and it makes me have Spring fever SO. BAD! I need to get outside! With the random rain, the clouds make it feel so chilly, I don't WANT to go out there!

Two weekends ago I decided to let my hubby go buy his TV. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, our anniversary is next week, and he has worked his ass off for the past year. He totally deserves it. I could go on and on about how much I love him and all the great things he does, but you'd throw up.

Our old TV decided to die on us awhile back, and not that I feel we NEED a giant, flat, more intelligent than me, big screen. It's fun to splurge sometimes.

;

He got to watch the Superbowl on the big screen and I sat there.

He was also happy to find at the store with the purchase of a TV and 2 cases of beer there was a $50 rebate.

Can't tell you how classy that moment felt.

I finally had a dentist appointment to face the music for my root canal. I had been dreading this for 2 months. It actually went better than I expected. Four years of no cleanings and I really didn't have any problems. Need to floss better, finish the cleaning, and we're good! Need to have a filling fixed and see where we're at. And I need a TMJ consult. I knew my jaw was f-ed up, but didn't realize it was dislocating and relocating every time I opened my pie hole. Maybe that'll stop me from eating/talking as much. I'm sure everyone would appreciate that!

Then yesterday, as we were getting into the car to leave, I received a call from my sons' teacher. I don't like talking about our problems with my son. But at this point i'm going to explode. We have been battling this for years and I was sort of expecting it. But seriously, can I sell that kid to the circus? I believed we were getting over this, that we didn't need medication and as much as he talks, flails, doesn't listen, that maybe he was behaving his lil self.

WRONG!

So today i'm searching for a family doctor/pediatrician who will take on our ADHD case. Or a circus. Either one. I wish this were easy. I wish I didn't feel like such a failure. I just have to believe it will get better. I feel like everything we do, we fight. Teaching his sister bad habits, acting out. It's not like he does anything BAD like, evil, but it's like the sensor from his head to his mouth is disconnected somewhere. I wish there was a way to rub coocoo cream on his feet and aromatherapybullshitoils on his forehead and WABAM, he'd be healed. Maybe there is, I'll look into it.

I hope for the strength to continue my goals, stay strong, get fit. The patience to handle the difficult situation in our life right now, the grace to be loving, kind and forgiving. And enough wine to keep me sane.

Until next time, happy hump day and happy Valentine's day tomorrow!

Cheesy Enchiladas!

I was thinking a few weeks ago about blogging some of my cooking adventures. I always forget or get distracted and never do. I started a new board on Pinterest to repin the things that I tried, changed up, etc. But that's not nearly as fun.

Some times my baking and cooking is amazing. Other times, not so much. My son is my biggest critic. Basically, he hates everything. I cannot make that kid happy. That's another story, for another day.

I'm new at all this, I don't know what the hell i'm doing half the time. I began this blog for me, to write about the shenannigans that is my life. Hoping that putting this out there would encourage me to be healthier and actually GET out there. I hoped that other people would find it maybe entertaining, fun, follow me?

Crickets? I thought so.

Anyway, this entire week I've had a wild hair to try random recipes. My family has put up with me, thankfully. I only think to document my creations after the meal has been chowed down and no one wants pictures of that.

Tonights dinner i've made a million times. Enchiladas. I love me some enchiladas. I make them differently every time. I was inspired to try a different recipe I saw that called for greek yogurt. I was intrigued and bought some. Only to realize that it was probably a healthier solution for sour cream? I'm slow. Give me a break.

My hub will NOT eat sour cream. Ketchup. Alfredo. Cream Cheese. Various other cheeses. It makes things difficult.

So I reverted back to my good ol enchiladas, and here is how it goes.

Ta da!

For reals though. Bear with me here. Or is it bare? Whatever.

You will need:
1 lb ground meat, beef, chicken, turkey....
Spices, cumin, garlic, onion
1 20 oz can red enchilada sauce
Cheese, I used cheddar and colby jack
Package of tortillas, corn or flour
Salsa

• First, brown a pound of whatever ground meat your little soul desires. We had ground beef. That fatty kind. I add in some minced onion, garlic, a little cumin.
• Drain, add in some salsa. I don't measure. I spoon in it, stir it up until it's coated.
• From my 20 oz can of red enchilada sauce, pour enough to coat the bottom of the pan. I'd say about 1/4 inch.
• This time I used corn tortillas, generally I use flour tortillas because corn ones always fall apart and i'm lazy. But I found on the package, it's best to warm them first, and wadyaknow. They didn't break. Wabam.
• Spoon filling into tortillas. I use 1/4 cup meat mixture, 1/4 cheese. Roll up. Place in pan like so.
• Whatever fillings fall out as you're rolling, add on top when you're done. I also add any leftover meat, the rest of the can of sauce and top with cheese.
• Cover with foil, bake at 375 for an hour or until cheese is melted, sauce is bubble and delicious. We like things sauce up in herr.

I'm sure everyone and their dogs Mother has a better recipe than I do, but I love them, so I wanted to share. I will never write a cook book. But I do promise my recipe skills will improve with time.

And this melts my heart.


Happy Friday! TGFW!