Reaching my goals and learning to be confident

Why is it so hard and it takes so long to see the improvements to make you realize its worth it? I constantly struggle with it. I just want to feel good. I didn't realize until recently how it has effected me, over all these years. I haven't been really big ever, as I've said before. But it should have clicked sooner, at least I feel it should. I was 175 nine months pregnant with my daughter and have bounced around between 150 and 135. Right now I'm at the heavier side and I keep asking myself, why? Everyday I notice it more and more. I'm way more self critical. When I stretch every morning it's there. When my husband hugs me, it's there. It's embarrassing. I don't embarrass easily. I am ashamed.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and it's not fair that my husband gets hotter with time and I look more like a busted can of biscuits. When we got married I was 150 lbs, I look at our lovely courthouse weddin pictures and it makes me kinda sad. Sometimes I wish I hadn't given up on wedding planning and had gone for the stress of a big wedding, or at least had beautiful wedding pictures done. But sadly, I had a wedding dress, and when I bought it, it was big on me. When we got married 4 years after that, it wouldn't even zip. Someday though, we will have those pictures.

I had set a goal that I wanted to FEEL good for tomorrow. LOOK better. Maybe at least remind my husband a little of the 120 lb woman he fell in love with. I haven't accomplished that. 30 pounds may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me, that's 30 pounds! I got on the scale yesterday and I've gained weight. I measured myself after not doing so for a month, and i've gained everywhere. Not sure if my little bit of exercise, coffee, green smoothie and water drinking this morning has anything to do with it. Or PMS. I don't want to make excuses as to WHY i'm bigger. I'm bigger. I feel as though i've been good about eating breakfast, HEALTHY breakfasts at that! And smaller meals throughout the day. Drinking a shitton of water.

Everywhere I turn there's something telling me that i'm doing another thing wrong. "Don't eat this, don't drink that, drinking that after 2 pm will make you grow a third ass cheek."

I know I need to get up and move my ass more often but it's hard when i'm here by myself with the kids. Even before we moved, I went walking every day and didn't see a change. I don't really know anyone to even go walking with, for that accountability and motivation. Can't afford a gym membership. When my husband gets home it's dark and I do not like going out in the dark by myself. It's scary shit out there.

I know I can't give up. I know it takes time to see change and it WILL happen. And really, I don't know why I let the scale be my bully. I don't know why I let a certain size or number bother me. I saw this article the other day about plus size models and those ladies are ROCKING IT. They have normal bodies, beautiful faces, CONFIDENCE. I want to be healthier and thinner and that's what I want. Some women want to be body builders and some want to be anorexic. But why can't I at least have confidence? But MY clothes are tight. MY shirts are tight. I can't afford a whole new wardrobe so I'm comfortable with being in this body. That's not the answer for me though anyways. I always chant Jillian Michaels in my head saying "get used to being uncomfortable." Yeah, I get that, but I don't always want to FEEL like this. It's a constant battle in my head being reasonable yet still going for it.

I do want to say though, that for all my complaints, I am so lucky to have married the perfect guy for me. I dated a lot of idiots and I scored the jackpot picking him, and for him picking ME. He puts up with a lot of my crap, experimental cooking, new crazy ideas, nagging, etc. He loves me for ME. As much as I want to be thinner and sexier, he finds me attractive, sexy, and I need to remind myself of that more often. He's an amazing Dad and husband.

I love you, Bryan! Happy anniversary! Here's to many more!

Can I Sell My Kid To the Circus?

Happy Wednesday! I'd prefer to call it Winesday, but I won't. It's kind of been a rough couple of days... I've needed to write a post for days.

My "short term goals" have been going well. I recently decided since seeing all this "operation red bikini" stuff around blogs that i'd start my own personal "operation pink corset" goal. But that's another story. I drink enough water to pee every half hour. Not snacking as much. Counting calories. Eating breakfast every day. Grapefruit last week, this week i've been experimenting with baby poop green smoothies. Spinach, apple, carrots, banana, celery, strawberries. Yesterday I added in some greek yogurt and a wee bit of peanut butter. It's been fun. I feel better when I eat breakfast. I wish the scale reflected this. That bitch doesn't like me.

We had these little babies pop up in our front yard and it makes me have Spring fever SO. BAD! I need to get outside! With the random rain, the clouds make it feel so chilly, I don't WANT to go out there!

Two weekends ago I decided to let my hubby go buy his TV. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, our anniversary is next week, and he has worked his ass off for the past year. He totally deserves it. I could go on and on about how much I love him and all the great things he does, but you'd throw up.

Our old TV decided to die on us awhile back, and not that I feel we NEED a giant, flat, more intelligent than me, big screen. It's fun to splurge sometimes.

;

He got to watch the Superbowl on the big screen and I sat there.

He was also happy to find at the store with the purchase of a TV and 2 cases of beer there was a $50 rebate.

Can't tell you how classy that moment felt.

I finally had a dentist appointment to face the music for my root canal. I had been dreading this for 2 months. It actually went better than I expected. Four years of no cleanings and I really didn't have any problems. Need to floss better, finish the cleaning, and we're good! Need to have a filling fixed and see where we're at. And I need a TMJ consult. I knew my jaw was f-ed up, but didn't realize it was dislocating and relocating every time I opened my pie hole. Maybe that'll stop me from eating/talking as much. I'm sure everyone would appreciate that!

Then yesterday, as we were getting into the car to leave, I received a call from my sons' teacher. I don't like talking about our problems with my son. But at this point i'm going to explode. We have been battling this for years and I was sort of expecting it. But seriously, can I sell that kid to the circus? I believed we were getting over this, that we didn't need medication and as much as he talks, flails, doesn't listen, that maybe he was behaving his lil self.

WRONG!

So today i'm searching for a family doctor/pediatrician who will take on our ADHD case. Or a circus. Either one. I wish this were easy. I wish I didn't feel like such a failure. I just have to believe it will get better. I feel like everything we do, we fight. Teaching his sister bad habits, acting out. It's not like he does anything BAD like, evil, but it's like the sensor from his head to his mouth is disconnected somewhere. I wish there was a way to rub coocoo cream on his feet and aromatherapybullshitoils on his forehead and WABAM, he'd be healed. Maybe there is, I'll look into it.

I hope for the strength to continue my goals, stay strong, get fit. The patience to handle the difficult situation in our life right now, the grace to be loving, kind and forgiving. And enough wine to keep me sane.

Until next time, happy hump day and happy Valentine's day tomorrow!