Reaching my goals and learning to be confident

Why is it so hard and it takes so long to see the improvements to make you realize its worth it? I constantly struggle with it. I just want to feel good. I didn't realize until recently how it has effected me, over all these years. I haven't been really big ever, as I've said before. But it should have clicked sooner, at least I feel it should. I was 175 nine months pregnant with my daughter and have bounced around between 150 and 135. Right now I'm at the heavier side and I keep asking myself, why? Everyday I notice it more and more. I'm way more self critical. When I stretch every morning it's there. When my husband hugs me, it's there. It's embarrassing. I don't embarrass easily. I am ashamed.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and it's not fair that my husband gets hotter with time and I look more like a busted can of biscuits. When we got married I was 150 lbs, I look at our lovely courthouse weddin pictures and it makes me kinda sad. Sometimes I wish I hadn't given up on wedding planning and had gone for the stress of a big wedding, or at least had beautiful wedding pictures done. But sadly, I had a wedding dress, and when I bought it, it was big on me. When we got married 4 years after that, it wouldn't even zip. Someday though, we will have those pictures.

I had set a goal that I wanted to FEEL good for tomorrow. LOOK better. Maybe at least remind my husband a little of the 120 lb woman he fell in love with. I haven't accomplished that. 30 pounds may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me, that's 30 pounds! I got on the scale yesterday and I've gained weight. I measured myself after not doing so for a month, and i've gained everywhere. Not sure if my little bit of exercise, coffee, green smoothie and water drinking this morning has anything to do with it. Or PMS. I don't want to make excuses as to WHY i'm bigger. I'm bigger. I feel as though i've been good about eating breakfast, HEALTHY breakfasts at that! And smaller meals throughout the day. Drinking a shitton of water.

Everywhere I turn there's something telling me that i'm doing another thing wrong. "Don't eat this, don't drink that, drinking that after 2 pm will make you grow a third ass cheek."

I know I need to get up and move my ass more often but it's hard when i'm here by myself with the kids. Even before we moved, I went walking every day and didn't see a change. I don't really know anyone to even go walking with, for that accountability and motivation. Can't afford a gym membership. When my husband gets home it's dark and I do not like going out in the dark by myself. It's scary shit out there.

I know I can't give up. I know it takes time to see change and it WILL happen. And really, I don't know why I let the scale be my bully. I don't know why I let a certain size or number bother me. I saw this article the other day about plus size models and those ladies are ROCKING IT. They have normal bodies, beautiful faces, CONFIDENCE. I want to be healthier and thinner and that's what I want. Some women want to be body builders and some want to be anorexic. But why can't I at least have confidence? But MY clothes are tight. MY shirts are tight. I can't afford a whole new wardrobe so I'm comfortable with being in this body. That's not the answer for me though anyways. I always chant Jillian Michaels in my head saying "get used to being uncomfortable." Yeah, I get that, but I don't always want to FEEL like this. It's a constant battle in my head being reasonable yet still going for it.

I do want to say though, that for all my complaints, I am so lucky to have married the perfect guy for me. I dated a lot of idiots and I scored the jackpot picking him, and for him picking ME. He puts up with a lot of my crap, experimental cooking, new crazy ideas, nagging, etc. He loves me for ME. As much as I want to be thinner and sexier, he finds me attractive, sexy, and I need to remind myself of that more often. He's an amazing Dad and husband.

I love you, Bryan! Happy anniversary! Here's to many more!